I was working at a small software company and had a pretty good relationship with everyone, including my boss whom I will call Patrick. A couple of peer colleagues and I started going out to lunch together regularly. One of them was a fellow software developer. The other person, whom I will call Christine, worked in the marketing group. We started talking amongst ourselves about the company, where we saw problems, how things could be improved.

One evening rather late Patrick, who was the head of the engineering group, called me at home. He was really pissed off at me. Apparently, Christine had gone to her manager, the head of marketing, and told him about some of the things we had talked about in our lunches.

The marketing manager, Robert, had a strained and adversarial relationship with Patrick. Robert apparently used what he had heard from Christine as ammunition against Patrick. Patrick demanded that I report to him first thing the next morning.

I was so anxious I hardly slept.

The next day I steeled myself, went to Patrick’s office, and calmly related my side of the story. I assured Patrick that I never had any intention of undermining him and that the conversations with my colleagues had been understood by me to be confidential. Christine had not had my consent to relate any of our conversations to anyone else.

Patrick then calmed down a lot. Over the course of the next few months things improved between him and me, but they were never as good as before. There was always a bit of lingering tension.

Lesson learned:

I surprised myself by being able to maintain my composure in the face of someone so angry. That’s a real strength. With hindsight it was a foreshadowing of some of the emotional intelligence that I’ve since acquired and cultivated.

Staying calm and not acting out in kind went a long ways in defusing the situation.